This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted