Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
thanksgiving in nutshell
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Every time.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”