[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read