dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?