it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream