One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit