As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation