when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
You Might Also Like
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
selena gomez
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
WHY?!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too