Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Give a baker flours on your first date.