INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads