Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Cake safety first. Always.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?