Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]