She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”