Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
oh my god
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned