If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog