Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Nothing to do, you say?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Spotted in New Orleans.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating