[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
In space, no one can hear…