Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Breaking news:
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
#parenting
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.