Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.