[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss