My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.