me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.