I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
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decorating my apartment
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
my first dose meeting my second
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy