The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
#NoRestForTheWicked
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’m not lazy
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*