I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
What flavor cupcake are these
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
this is what they would have looked like, though
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people