I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Flowers bee like
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
couldn’t resist
What
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*