Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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No way!
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
What’s a Messi?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked