[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.