There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie