Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
this is uni