me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
DOOO EEEET