If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Its a hippotatomus
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE