[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.