Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
You Might Also Like
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It’s an epidemic…
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings