If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.