How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.