She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Scream sneezers need love too.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.