Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.