Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
You Might Also Like
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”