hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Breaking news:
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
early stone age tool
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Who chose this font
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.