Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
March 16
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.