Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
This will never not be funny 😭
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.