Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration