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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The two types of wives
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.