if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
He a real one for that
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!