*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.