So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.