Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Best table by far
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.