If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch