Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.